text size: -A / +A email: ste@steparry.com Bel-Air Hello Gary Hello mate, I wanna talk about the knife crime scene again. I gotta tell you how I’m feeling, I’ve gotta make you understand, that youths these days they do need to protect themselves with things such as knives. Crap. Why is it crap Pete? Don’t be stupid. All my friends who have got kids, they’re all working class people, they don’t walk round carrying knives to protect themselves. But do they live in rough council areas? Yes, they live in ordinary areas... OK, let me go on to my next point then. I was enrolled in like a youth programme, to try and get me away from the gang scene, ok? And they’d take us out for day trips and one time we went to play a game of basketball. Now, we were all just hangin around, chillin out, maxin, relaxin all cool. When a couple of guys were up to no good, and started causin trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mum got scared, she said “Your movin with your auntie an uncle in Bel-Air.” ... ...maybe someone can call in and tell me what that call was all about ^ Top Valentines day Hi Pete, I wanna talk about the war. Which war? I dunno, just the war like. You're always havin a go at these lads on the front line, an it's out of order Pete. My granddad's only got one eye cos he served in the war Pete. It's not funny Pete, laughin at people with disabilities. When he tries to pour a glass of milk he makes a right mess of the kitchen, an it's not funny Pete. ... Do you wanna know what some nasty bastard sent him for Valentines day? Roses are red.. ..Here we go.. Roses are red, violets are blue, you've got one eye, I've got two. ^ Top Burglars Hello George Hey Pete, first of all, wwwwhhheeeeeyyyyy, it's really great to be speakin to ya like, cos I listen to ya week in week out, and I always think to meself, one day, you know, I'm gonna ring up and I'm gonna say something that matters to our city. Cos when I hear this Pete, honestly I'm buzzin like, cos it just, it makes me all.. it makes me wanna like da.. well not dance as such, but you know what I mean Pete. Anyway, the reason I got on to ya, was to speak about burglars. Now, I know a couple of burglars meself.. I thought you were coming on to talk about Council Tax? Well it all sort of intertwines and links y'see Pete. If you just look at the smaller picture for now, you'll allow the bigger picture to er, to come in to play, as my mate Jonathon says like. Anyway, burglars right, I know a couple of burglars, and they do my head in Pete. Because what they do is, they don't work yeah, but obviously they're claiming things, so I can't mention any names like, but the thing is they're claiming things and that Pete. And I'm sittin in the boozer with them, and I'm thinking to meself, Hang on for one second, for one second like, I'm out there working, I graft Pete right, I'm out there grafting and these burglars are just like, getting off on, you know, for nothing. Do you know what I mean, Scott free sort of thing. So Pete, my suggestion is Pete, is we round them up, and once we get them, hit them with spades Pete. ... Proper, you know, over the head, like, WHACK. Do you know what I mean Pete? ... So how do you feel about that? Feel about what? Hitting them with spades. ... Have you never thought to yourself, If I could do one thing to a burglar, I'd hit him with a spade.' And if you think about it, you could hit him on the back of the head so they couldn't put their hands up, so you could get a better WHACK like, really get 'em on the head. Do you know what I mean .. Pete? ..Yep.. Alright. Now, anyway, what I was gonna say about how it all links in to Council Tax, well, it doesn't actually link in to it as such Pete, er, but, what it is is Pete, is er.. I used to be a chicken. ^ Top CORNED BEEF Alright Pete, you alright? Yes thankyou. Erm. I wanna talk about hoodies. I think it's ridiculous that every young guy that wears a hooded sweatshirt, is portrayed by the media as a thug, do you know what I mean? But I wear a hooded top and I'm not a thug, do you know what I mean? And only yesterday, I did a good deed, and what thug does a good dead, do you know what I mean? Every time I've gone into town.. well, this is my good deed I did yesterday anyway, no thug does this. I seen a homeless man, you know at the Tesco Metro, well there's always a homeless man, dunno if you've noticed him, sittin outside there, you know, in town. Well I presume he's homeless, cos he's always asking me for change and that. And it's annoying, you know, always being asked for change, but you can't really blame him cos he's in a bad situation. But I don't like giving him money cos like, some of these tramps or homeless people might have, like, drug addictions, and I don't like drugs, so I'm not gonna give him money like, in case he's gonna abuse the money and get drugs, do you know what I mean? So instead of giving him money, I went into the Tesco and bought him a corned beef sandwich, and then I went outside and give him it, and his eyes lit up, you know, when I give him the corned beef sandwich, and he went, 'I love a bit of corned beef', and then he just like looked at me, and he just started flipping, jumping up and down, going, 'Corned beef, corned beef', and all that. And I went, 'bloody hell mate, calm down', and he's going, 'I like corned beef, do you like corned beef? Corned beef! Corned beef!' and all that. ...(sigh) ^ Top TASTES LIKE CHICKEN Hello Paul Alright Pete. I live on Norris Green myself, you were talking about it earlier on. And erm, I've just had a new baby daughter, and I've got an eight year old son. And he was playing out in the back yard the other day, and he runs in to me missus, and he's got a syringe in his hand. And this has just been lobbed over the back gate like. So I run out in a fuming state, as you can imagine, and these lads, must have been no more than 15, 16, are running down the entry, laughin their heads off. Rang the police, they took about half an hour to get round, but it's all be sorted now, I mean they found these lads and it's all been sorted. But again right, about two days back, the wheelie bin goes up in smoke. Me wheelie bin in the back entry, you know, these big purple ones .. anyway, wheelie bin goes up in smoke, kids playing out in the back garden. Me kid runs into the house, smoke pouring through the back yard, pouring through. And he says, 'Dad, that smoke, tastes like chicken'. ...    ...Right... 'It tasted. Like. Chicken!' ...Yeah...? Chicken Makhanwala? ^ Top Mammals Hello John Hi Pete, I'm just calling about the Champions League ticket allocation. I'd just like to urge all the fans to check their watermarks, cos you've got to have a real ticket when you get out there. I don't like any of this touting business. But what I'd like to talk about Pete, is this ticket allocation. Liverpool and AC Milan have been given 17,000 tickets each, but where have all the rest gone? UEFA, the football regulators, have been giving them to credit card companies, fast food restaurants, and I've also heard Pete, that they've been giving them to mammals Peter, black and white mammals. ... Pandas, sheep .. raccoons, skunks, things like that .. do you know what I mean Pete? Black and white mammals. ... Skunks ... Skunks smell. Slugs. They're not mammals; molluscs. ...Snails. Snails are getting them as well? Snails are getting tickets Pete. I didn't realise it had gone that low. It has gone that low, so low. Underground Pete. ... Moles ... Badgers Badgers? Yeh badgers, a lot of badgers. So there'll be very few fans then, just snails, badgers and mammals? MAMMALS. ... Crustaceans. Starfish. Starfish? They wont get tickets will they? Some of them. The big ones will. ... ... ... Pandas. ^ Top TODAYS TOPIC IS: 'DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN...' James, don't you hate it when... Your finger goes through the toilet paper. Thanks for that James. ^ Top smells like a kebab Hello Mick Alright Pete, how are ya mate? I'm fine Mick Sound. I just wanna talk to ya about anti-social behaviour. Well what it is, I've been livin in Huyton for a long time now and the anti-social behaviour round here, it's just over the top. Last week there were five or six kids hangin around my house, tryin to break into my car. I just think it's out of order Pete. When we were kids, we used to come home from school, have a game of footy with our mates. We never did nothing like that Pete. And another thing, it must have been about half two in the morning, me seven year old son wakes me up, crying his eyes out, telling me there's a fire in the hall. So I run down the stairs, and some horrible waste of space has put a firework through my letterbox, and the carpet's on fire. So my youngest son Wes, he's only five Pete, he pulls on my leg, and he goes, "Dad, that fire, smells like a kebab." ... A kebab Pete. ... Pete? It smells like a kebab. ... Donner kebab? Donner kebab Pete? ... KEY. BAAAAAB. ^ Top